HEALTH: Smear Fear

The letterbox's familiar tinkle this morning, alerted me to the mail that had landed on the bristle mat, that lay beneath. Three white envelopes lay there, but only one adorned my name.

I don't know about you, but I still get a teeny drop of adrenaline on opening mail, hoping that one day it may bring good news, 'Congrats, you win £100,000,' or 'Congrats, you have won the top prize in our recent draw.' But no such luck. Today, I had the pleasure of opening a letter, requesting that my smear test is due. This letter had transformed my day, from one of staring out the window as I rack my brain for the correct word for my blog, to one of fear and dread. The smear test, the dreaded smear test, something that is there to save lives from a disease that we all fear, but we also fear the test itself.

I live in a small city and often see the nurse that carries out my smear tests. As I walk past her, I lower my head as I can't bring myself to say hello to a lady that has just inserted a plastic cock up my hoo-ha. I wonder if she feels awkward at all. Maybe. There aren't many people that can walk around a city, knowing that they have seen most of the women's vaginas. Even the local jock won't be in competition with this lady. Maybe she remembers the individuals that have stand out vaginas. She may walk around the city, looking out for smelly muff, or vulgar vag, or bushy beaver. I hope I don't have any of these names and that I would have a nickname of pretty punani, if that were the case.

Anyway, I will be making a date for my smear as soon as possible, and I hope that you all do to, once you receive the letter. For 5 minutes of discomfort, it is worth it, should it catch a disease that can be so cruel. That doesn't mean that I won't be going for 10 nervous toilet sessions before I leave the house, that the butterflies won't be having a rave in my tummy, and I won't feel like vomiting my breakfast up as I step out of the car and head into the surgery.

Before I go, I thought that I may offer my top tips on making your smear, slightly more bearable:

• Wear a long skirt or top, so that when you need to undress your bottom half, you can use the skirt or top, to keep as much of you covered as possible. I never felt the little piece of tissue they offer to keep your dignity, was sufficient.

• Go to the toilet beforehand - this will help you relax down below, which in turn, should reduce discomfort.

• Talk to the doctor/nurse - I find that it relaxes me if I talk to them. Once, I got into the whole conversation on travelling around the world and hadn't even noticed that she was doing my smear.

• Distract yourself - the more that you focus on what is happening down there, the more that you will tense up. Sing a song in your head (or out loud of you have the urge), look at the pictures that are on the wall, think about what shopping you need to get, anything to keep you distracted.